Monday, May 9, 2011

im a mom first.

ive struggled with this post for the last week. i didnt (and still dont) know what i wanted to say or how i wanted to say it. i dont want to spend this entire post complaining- but im frustrated and hurting. i spent last week on the pity pot and feeling pretty sorry for myself. i didn't think you needed to join me there.

if you've been following you know im injured. you can read a little more about that here. since then things have gotten a little worse each day. at this point im on a crap load of pain meds which make it bearable to get through the day. i still walk all funny. ive been told my my super awesome and nice coworkers that i look like i have a load in my pants, mego preggo and an abnormal gate. now thats hot.

ive tried everything. heat, ice, chiropractor, core strengthening exercises, 2 steroid shots (they lasted 2 days each), exercise and rest. ive seen 4 different doctors and nothing is making this any better. i finally called my pcp to come up with a plan c. he ordered another mri and set up an appointment with a neurosurgeon. he thinks that part of my disc has broken off and is pressing against my nerve. this may explain why the steriod shots have not been working.

im frustrated

im hurt

im not running.

the thing i do to cope with life is not there when i need it. i have been in denial about how bad this injury might be. i was convinced that id be better in time to run the reach the beach relay next week with my dirty little freaks. i mean really- this injury happend in january, 4 months later i thought id be ok. sadly, i had to make the decision to back out of the race. i cried for a while. then the realization that i might not be better in time to start training for the mdi marathon set in. this is the race i have been looking forward to for over a year. i spent last summer super mego preggo and unable to run. i spent the summer looking forward to start running again. this was going to be the summer that i made progress as a runner. i was going to get stronger, faster and i was going to get a killer PR at beach 2 beacon. as im laying in bed, crying and feeling sorry for myself something happened...

ty was playing on the floor and he started fussing. i got out of bed to pick him up. i couldn't. i couldn't get down on the ground to play with him, to pick him up, to comfort him, to be a mom to him. i realized at that point that i was being totally selfish. yeah, i want to get back to running but i need to get better so i can be a mom first. this is his first summer. we having camping trips planned, days at the beach, hikes, baseball games to go to, dirt to play in. i need to be better so i can enjoy all those things...then, once im a mom again, i can be a runner. ty needs me. my husband needs me.

so that's whats going on in sarah's world. i'll keep you posted as things progress. im going to get off the pity pot and focus on the better things in life. i woke up to a beautiful sunny day. things will get better and i will be ok.

"falling down doesn't make you a failure, but staying down does" -anonymous

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